Roll Over, Tobacco

TO: FDA Commissioner
FROM: Cyanide Incorporated
RE: Bona fide petitioner
DATE: Hate to say, so long we’ve waited

We love you Doctor Hamburg! You’re
As good as regulation gets.
Just weeks into your duty tour
You’ve gained control of cigarettes.

Such artfulness so far unseen.
Your job is— well— to keep food safe.
I guess you’d say that nicotine
Is more a drug? But please don’t chafe.

I’m only stating awkward truths
That each year smoking stateside kills
Four hundred thousand— lots of youths,
Let's put the blame on loss of wills.

A better life through chemistry,
We want that, too, for cyanide.
Ingest, don’t rub, its blistery.
Could we here count you on our side?